How to administrate a disjunction Sensibly

Managers - How to administrate a disjunction Sensibly

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As one who has counseled many friends through their divorces--both individually and as a couple--I think most Americans make two big mistakes about divorce.

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One, they do not plan for it in any shape or form. I am not suggesting you enter marriage with the view that it is going to end up in divorce. But like death, disunion is real for at least 50% of the concentrate who enter nuptials. So why not at least give it a thought? And I don't mean on your honeymoon night, but down the road?

Second, many of us think of disunion as a personal charge on our virtue, truthfulness and all of the good qualities we think we have. It is not. It is plainly a disunion. It does not matter what caused it. Think of the end game----divorce is a permanent dissolution of marriage and should be dealt with plainly as such.

So here are some tips to go through a disunion with minimal misery.

1. Communicate. Even if one of the spouses is being a jerk, do not give up trying to communicate.

2. Be firm when you rule to divorce. Many spouses make the fatal mistake of saying something like, "If you agree to............". Except in a very tiny division of cases, decision to disunion is irreconcilable.

3. The party choosing to disunion should have his/her facts ready. This includes financial, legal, custodial etc. Some states, for example have a mandatory counseling period, as well as a no-fault disunion proceeding. Be fully aware of your proprietary versus your spouses'.

4. Do not get a lawyer right away, and if the other spouse is bent to, try to talk the spouse out of it. Lawyers rarely add any value in the beginning, and should be used only to document decisions made jointly by the spouses. Otherwise the legal bills will mount and you will get no value. Worst of all, do not go to lawyers for non-legal advice.

5. Be franc with your children when the decision is made. Saying things like "daddy is going to go away for a while, we all love him, don't we?" is brainless and can harm the psyche of a young child.

6. Do not look back at "memories". They do nothing to make disunion easier.

7. By all means get a counselor, preferably man both respect and know to be impartial. A priest or a financial counselor who is also a friend is preferable to a fee-paid marriage counselor.

8. You will find a lot of well-meaning "meddlers". It is good to listen to them, but be in operate of your problems and solutions.

9. Be aware of any cross-cultural issues when there is an inter-racial marriage.

10. Quit mental in emotional terms like "evil", "lies" etc. Remember, no matter what caused the decision to divorce, there is no point in dwelling on whys and whats once the decision to sever marital ties has been made. This comes into play, e.g. When fighting about custody. Remember think what is best for children and quit your own squabbles.

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